Now, you may ask, "why in the world did she keep trying?" "Couldn't she see the handwriting on the wall?" If you ever find yourself in my position, you'll understand that the desire to be a mother is beyond any logic. And women do have healthy births after numerous miscarriages. We were still hoping for a child, though not actively trying. Then, this past October, we found I was again pregnant. This time I hoped to follow in my mother's footsteps. She had three miscar- riages, then me. We cancelled our trip to India, I lightened my patient load, and didn't lift anything over two pounds. I optimistically signed up for a birthing class to begin in the spring, used homeopathy and Ayurveda, and tried to hope for the best. At eleven weeks, the usual sce- nario began to replay itself. First the light bulbs at home and the office started to blow. "Oh, no", we thought. "Not again." Still hanging on to hope, we attended a couples' intensive with Barry and Joyce Vissell in Portland, who married us, and received a lovely, tear-filled pregnancy blessing. While taking a walk during lunch, we came back to our car to find my purse stolen. A week later, I began to spot again, and an ultrasound confirmed that the fetus had died several weeks before. The doctor, an expert, said he had absolutely no idea why it was hap- pening. The actual cramping and miscarriage took place at the home of some close friends, with Bob tirelessly massaging my feet and legs to make the process go more quickly, which it did.

So now, nearly 43 years old and four miscarriages later, what have I learned from it all?

Some things, such as miscarriages, are often beyond our control. We may want certain things to happen very much in our lives, but there may be a different plan for us which we do not yet understand. There is really no choice but to ride the wave of change with hopeful- ness and as much clarity as possible in the given moment. It is important to stay present with our experience, to experience the emotions fully, and to do whatever seems right in the moment.

Difficult experiences can be gifts to go deeper within. Though I never would have wished for four miscarriages, it has given me an opportunity to renew my faith, my marriage,

and my values in a very profound kind of way. I have re-evaluated what is most important to me.

There is a purpose to all that we experience, whether or not we can see it. I have learned to trust that there is another path for me besides motherhood. My miscarriages have helped me to work much more deeply with other women on all levels. Bob's and my marriage has been strengthened as has our relationship with God. We may never fully understand why I cannot stay pregnant, but, more and more, we are accepting and trusting the process. I have also learned that, though others, however well-meaning, may think they have figured out our lessons for us , we can generally do it best for ourselves.Fortunate- ly, there is a force in the Universe which has a much greater vision of what we need than we do.

Dr. Judyth Reichenberg-Ullman is a naturopathic and homeopathic physician and cofounder of the Northwest Center for Homeopathic Medicine in Edmonds, WA. She is coauthor of The Patient's Guide to Homeopathic Medicine and Beyond Ritalin: Homeopathic Treatment of ADD and Other Behavioral and Learning Problems. She can be reached at (206) 774-5599.